Every time I’ve had a long hiatus from this blog I always feel compelled to address how long it has been since I posted...which begins to get tiresome after a while, because I don’t post all that often.
That said, HEY EVERYONE! I’m sorry that it has been such a long time since I posted anything *sadface* I guess I just want to make writing a blog the most difficult experience possible for myself, since I continue to point blank refuse to get any momentum going—at all.
Let’s be honest, momentum really is a fickle beast. It’s like a snowball rolling down a hill. You want enough speed that the snowball rolls with as little effort as possible, but not so much that the snowball becomes an avalanche and endangers quant Swiss ski villages or whatever. I like the Swiss. I like their cheese. I don’t want to sentence them to death by a lot of snow.
We’re talking “momentum” here, not “workaholism” or “obsessive compulsion.”
There is definitely a direct relationship between how long it has been since you did a thing and how difficult it is to do the thing. There’s gotta be some consistency, otherwise the thing becomes a lot like email. You know, first you see the email from Fred and you think,
“Oh hey, Fred emailed me to schedule a meeting to talk about” Oh, I have no idea... “Baking soda volcanoes. Rad. I dig Fred. He’s a stand-up guy. I should probably email him back now before I forget and too much time goes...OOOOO an Etsy sale on Paper Maché dog clothing?!”
One week later.
“Oh - CRAP! I never got back to Fred about our meeting. No matter, I’ll just email him now. Not a problem. Wait, is it 8:45 already?! I have to get to work! Shitshitshitshitshit okay...this is not a crisis. I’ll just set a reminder on my phone to email Fred before the end of the day...by tomorrow...by the end of the day Friday.”
One month later.
Honestly by this point I just hope Fred has forgotten about our proposed meeting and the existence of baking soda volcanoes, but I wake up to this email:
Fred here :) Hope you’re having a nice summer.
Just wanted to touch base about those baking soda volcanoes.
Love to meet soon if you can—no biggie!
Except in MY mind, the email reads more like this:
Hey Annie, YOU TWAT!
Fred here—yeah, remember me? Probably not, since you are too incompetent to remember to answer ONE STUPID EMAIL.
Just wanted to remind you that it has been FIVE WEEKS and I STILL haven’t heard from you.
This is your AND the stupid baking soda volcano’s last chance.
Screw this one up and I will BURN YOUR FUTURE TO THE GROUND AND DANCE ON THE ASHES!
So then, of course, it takes me approximately five hours to write this response:
So sorry for the delay. How’s Friday at 1pm?
Anyone? No? Just me?
Look, I get it—I HAVE ANXIETY! But still I think the concept of momentum is universal. It goes back to the concept of practice. You have to practice things to improve. It may seem foolish to apply the concept of practice to something as simple as writing an email, but think about how much time people spend on email. I’m the kid of two executives—trust me, it can be a LOT of time! Emails from my dad are sometimes two words long:
Love you too, dad!
The difference between him and me is the about four billion emails he has had to write in his life. At this point I have to remind him sometimes that he has sent them—that’s how little thought he puts into his emails at this point. They’re just second nature. He practiced that. He got good. He had to. If he spent as much time as I do sending emails the man would literally still be sending emails from 1994. Mock my absurdity if you want, but the man has become an email-sending professional, and I admire that. You don’t get that way by sending one email per month.
You don’t get better at blogging by writing one blog post every six months.
I’m not saying I want to turn this into some kind of career, but I’ve put enough time in by now (did you notice the shiny new website???) that I’d like this space to become something. To me, this blog is a space to celebrate the absurdity of being human, and maybe in the process not take ourselves so seriously because IT IS HILARIOUS that it takes me hours to send a three-sentence email. Like, that’s so funny. And it’s great to laugh at myself a little bit because most of the time, my anxiety doesn’t feel funny. At all. If I can find something about it that makes me chuckle, suddenly it feels so much easier to deal with. At least for today.
What am I really saying here?
I guess I feel sort of stuck in a catch-22 situation. I have trouble writing my blog posts with any regularity because I struggle with anxiety, but writing blog posts helps my anxiety when I actually get some momentum going to write them...which is hard, because...you know...anxiety. But I want to keep going. I want to keep trying and fighting to achieve momentum because I think this is a cool space, but it will never become what it has the potential to be if I don’t start holding myself accountable.
Really this post is about two things: the fact that you gotta just keep doing stuff to make any progress in life, and it’s also a love letter to this blog space and to you.
I friggin love every one of you, and I love this space we inhabit together for a brief spell, every once in a while. When you come to me and tell me you read these little ramblings of mine, I cannot begin to express what it means to me. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart.
I promise you that I never forget you. I just sometimes feel like I’m trying to roll a snowball down a hill in the middle of summer. But you know what they say...
Winter is coming!*
*Game of Thrones reference, for those of you who are like...uhhhhh....:)